As a marathon connoisseur, I have searched the country for the best-named marathons to add a little spice to your next 26-mile sojourn into pain. Please note that although I have run more than 70 marathons myself, I have never been crazy enough to run any of these races. These events tend to conjure images of tough terrain, gritty conditions, and farm animals—all of which have not enticed me to send in an entry form. This has not stopped me from speculating about how these races earned their appellations. Please note that any resemblance to the actual races is purely coincidental.

#15 Death Valley Marathon in Death Valley, California I have heard of high-altitude training, but how do you do low-altitude training? I wonder if they hand out brown bags at the aid stations in case someone starts hyperventilating from too much oxygen. Any marathon with the word “death” in its title deserves to be in the top 15.

#14 Lost Dutchman Marathon in Apache Junction, Arizona Better than “death” is to have the word “lost” in the name. Maybe this is the marathon version of “Where’s Waldo?” If you are the first runner to find a lost soul in wooden shoes who speaks Dutch, you receive bonus points at the awards ceremony. Since this race is in Arizona, I guess the Dutchman really is lost.

#13 Hogeye Marathon in Fayetteville, Arkansas I have heard of a bull’s-eye, but what is a hog’s eye? Is this a pig in a poke? When you send in your entry form, do you really get to run a marathon? You don’t think they trick you into doing an ultra? Well, there were only 65 finishers in 2006, and I have a feeling that half of the finishers were in the 50-States club.

#12 Idaho Great Potato Marathon in Boise, Idaho This is not your average potato marathon. I think Dan Quayle is the honorary race director. (Is it potato or potatoe? I can never remember.) Let’s just say that

they may not give you a traditional pasta dinner. It’s like my grandpa always said, “The race is a dud if they don’t offer you a spud.”

#11 Whiskey Row Marathon in Prescott, Arizona This gives a whole new meaning to the words “aid station.” Be sure to pace yourself or you may end up dehydrated with liver damage. If there appear to be random directions in faded chalk on the pavement and guys in red dresses yelling “On, on,” don’t expect to finish before Tuesday.

#10 Avenue of the Giants Marathon in Eureka, California Some races have age limits or time limits, but this race has a height limit—only men 6 feet, 5 inches or taller and women 6 feet or taller are allowed to enter. This brings up the issue of Boston qualifying times. Why are these times based only on age and sex? Of course, those Kenyans have no problem qualifying. Some of them are 5 feet tall and weigh 110 pounds. I think we should have qualifying times based on body mass index (BMI) and personal characteristics. If you are an unmotivated fat boy like me, a five-hour marathon should be sufficient.

#9 Mount Desert Island Marathon in Bar Harbor, Maine How do you dress for this geographical oddity? Is it a mountain? (Bring hiking shoes and a billy goat?) A desert? (A French Foreign Legion hat and a camel?) An island? (A hula skirt and a guy named Gilligan?) A harbor? (Deck shoes and a guy named Skipper?) Or even a bar? (Proof of age and a frat boy?) This is one where I would definitely look at the race photos before making my airplane reservations.

#8 Eriesistable Marathon in Erie, Pennsylvania This race is in Erie, Pennsylvania, on Lake Erie. Isn’t that eerie? Although it may be a little Eriesponsible to advertise any 26-mile adventure as inviting, any race with a cute pun deserves to be in the top 15. However, some people may find this particular pun a little Erietating.

#7 Chickamauga Battlefield Marathon in Chickamauga, Georgia The ghosts of old dead Confederate soldiers may haunt you in this race. I like any race with the word “battlefield” in it. Marathons are a lot like war—the blood, the guts, the glory. Not to mention that the marathon distance always produces some casualties, and a few runners are always declared “missing in action” by the race director.

#6 Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon in Cincinnati, Ohio If your friends say, “I’ll run a marathon when pigs fly,” then send them to Cincinnati, Ohio. I’ve heard that this marathon is windy and has lots of pigs. Maybe

they should team up with the race directors of the Hogeye Marathon and have a pig-marathon circuit.

#5 Bendistillery It Goes Down Easy Marathon, in Bend, Oregon I don’t think this marathon is held anymore, but it still deserves to be in the top 15. I think the local microbrewery was the race sponsor for this event. Just be sure to drink the free samples after the race or the It Goes Down Easy Marathon may become the It Comes Up Easy Marathon.

#4 Humpy’s Classic Marathon in Anchorage, Alaska I have heard of runners hitting The Wall but never falling off The Wall. If you bonk in this race, you had better hope that they can put you back together again. Actually, you know you need to change HMOs when they let all the king’s horses and all the king’s men into the operating room.

Joseph Seeley

#3 Martian Marathon in Northville, Michigan If New Mexico has Area 51, Michigan has Area 52—either that or the whole town is hooked on reruns of The X-Files. Even though I have often described my marathon career as paralleling the TV series Lost in Space, I am always reluctant to run a marathon where the race volunteers have reported an inordinate number of UFO sightings. Maybe there is something in the water. If so, better reach for the sports aid.

#2 Cowtown Marathon in Fort Worth, Texas Some people are dog people, while others are cat people. This race is for cow people—and that ain’t no bull. You’ll have to moooooove down to Fort Worth for this udderly ridiculous race to milk it for all it’s worth. And if you don’t like stupid cow puns, I would be sure to steer clear.

#1 Bataan Memorial Death March Marathon in White Sands, New Mexico This race has two words that sum up the grittiness of the marathon: “death march.” I hope they dress up volunteers as imperial Japanese soldiers prodding stragglers with bayonets, but it is probably too politically incorrect. I do think you should get a Purple Heart if you survive it.

Groundhog Marathon/Ultra Endurance Run I would like to mention my own inspiration for a race title, “The Groundhog Day Marathon/Ultra.” It would be held every year on February 2, regardless of the day of the week. It would be a loop course with unspecified directions printed on carbon paper that is given to the runners five minutes before the race begins, and it would meander through the swamps of Florida. The reason it would be called a “Marathon/Ultra” is not because the runners would be allowed to choose the distance. Oh no. Instead, as soon as the first runner completes the marathon distance, the groundhog would come out of his hole. If he sees a shadow, he becomes scared, goes back into the hole, and the runners have to run six more miles. If he does not see his shadow, the race ends. Actually, since groundhogs are not indigenous to Florida, we may have to substitute a hedgehog, but you get my point. Good luck, and I hope to see you at some of these unique events in the future.

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