The ultimate long run.

y husband and I celebrated our 20-year wedding anniversary

with our idea of a dream date. We ditched our two kids with relatives and ran the Dipsea Trail from Mill Valley to Stinson Beach and back.

Along the 14 miles of rutted trail and steep stairways that climb out of redwoods to reveal the San Francisco Bay, I wondered how I’ve been married and running for so long when I generally struggle with commitment and battle boredom. I drop in and out of the workforce and start way more books than I ever finish. Half-baked projects litter my desk, and unaccountable gaps wreck my resume.

And yet here I am with Morgan, the high school boyfriend I married at 21, and here Tam training for a 50-mile trail race after 15 years of running

A Morgan and Sarah running on the North Island of New Zealand in early 2010, part of a round-the-world journey they took with their kids.

and finishing some 30 marathons. I can tell myself, J must not be a total flake or failure because I have a good marriage and I’m a good runner.

Courtesy of Sarah Lavender Smith

Surely there’s a connection between my marriage and running, but what is it?

Relationships and running both start the same way, with that magic potion called passion. Both spark a thrill that inevitably wanes and takes ongoing effort to rekindle. The rekindling happens by deliberately trying new things, new routes, new challenges.

But as much as anything, relationships take acceptance and respect for differences. Having my life partner also be my running partner helped me better understand this.

A few miles into the Dipsea, I let Morgan pass so we could take turns setting the pace. I noticed he inadvertently put his shirt on inside out and probably forgot to put sunscreen on his neck. He’s experimenting with running in sandals, so he kept pausing to shake out pebbles trapped underfoot. He didn’t care at all about how long the run took us because he never logs his time or mileage, and he doesn’t even wear a stopwatch.

We’re so different as runners—and, of course, I think my way is the right way—but he continuously rebuffs my attempts to coach him. Year after year, I bug him to try track workouts for speed, to do core work for strengthening, to stretch to prevent injuries, to stick to a weekly running plan, to set some goals for races—in short, to become a better runner by running more like me.

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A Morgan on the Dipsea Trail.